They say that having the blues takes years off your life. If that’s so, Robert Schimmel, who died yesterday at age 60 (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/05/arts/television/05schimmel.html?_r=1 and many other references), has insured I’ll live to be 100.

Despite painstaking attention to the “Recent Deaths” page on Wikipedia, this one escaped my attention until Steve and Sonny Fox broke the news  on XM 150 (Raw Dog Radio) this morning. I was in shock. I just sat there in the car with the ignition off, not believing my ears. It’s probably a good thing that the car wasn’t moving at the time. What a raw way for someone who beat cancer and survived a heart attack and hepatitis to go. I’m sure he wouldn’t say he got a raw deal, living only sixty years as he did, but there was, I’m sure, so much humor left in him. Besides being a front-row persona in my list of hot guys over 50, the oldest on the list in fact (https://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/in-praise-of-middle-aged-men/), I’m not ashamed to admit that lately I’ve had a major crush on this guy. Probably that’s emblematic of my inability to form real relationships, but I’ve been susceptible to celebrity crushes my whole life. And it may sound mean to say, but ever since he lost his hair to the chemo, he was sooo gorgeous. My eyes were glued to the TV screen every time I played his DVD or viewed one of his YouTube videos. How can one little (5’6″) sixty-year-old guy be so hot?

Everything he said resonated with me. He was like a BFF—a really, really hot middle-aged BFF—who said out loud everything those of us with X-rated senses of humor are thinking. Nothing shocked him, nothing seemed to bother him, at least not on stage. I love that he hosted the AVN Awards three times (http://avnawards.avn.com/). He was perfect for that event. Sometimes when I was a bit depressed I’d listen to one of the albums I have or his web site and just let his velvety smooth baritone soothe me, if soothing includes such observations as “It’s wrong to fuck your pets. …’Gee, thanks for that tip, Bob.’ ” Other times, I’d be in the car and have to pull over to the side of the road, I was laughing so hard from a bit they’d play on XM150, usually the one about premature ejaculation. It didn’t matter if I’d heard it twelve times before, which most likely I had. He still brought tears to my eyes.

He was at the DC Improv in November, and I blew it off—the District is 150 miles away now, after all. Of course, I’m kicking myself now. Sure, I wanted to meet him, but I wanted him to meet me, too.

So Bob, if you’re watching, and in a Jewish afterlife kind of way I know you are, I just want to say G-d bless you, I love you, and thank you for making me laugh my ass off. See you soon in olam ha’ba.

The Washington Post ran this article a couple of weeks ago:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/13/AR2010041302365.html

(If the above link doesn’t work, try this one:
http://cbs3.com/topstories/Mike.Huckabee.gays.2.1630642.html)

Now, I’m sure Mike Huckabee believes everything he said. And he certainly has the right to say what’s on his mind. But in this event, he manages to piss off a variety of groups whose vote he could certainly use. He must not really want to be President. Or, at least he hasn’t yet learned that you can attract a whole lot more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Many people have deconstructed what he had to say. But I can’t resist throwing in my opinion.

  • “Marriage has historically never meant anything other than a man and a woman. It has never meant two men,…” Gee, for an ordained minister, Huckabee sure doesn’t know his Bible very well. “King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, ‘You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.’ Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.  As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been.” (1Kings 11:2-4, all quotes NIV) I am not even gonna get into the Mormons here. Nor current-day Arab royalty. There are plenty of counterexamples to Huckabee’s claim, and he no doubt knows it.
  • “I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle….” And yet, there it is in, yup, you guessed it, the Good Book itself: “After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. (1Sam 18:1)…I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women. (2Sam 1:26)”
  • “That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs.  There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” he said, according to a transcript of the interview.” On the first point, the official LP view point is basically, yes, let’s. Using drugs (presumably illegal drugs, not the okay ones like tobacco and alcohol) should be an individual choice, as long as no one else is harmed in the process. On the third point, there are people who do “believe in” polygamy, all over this world. See the first paragraph.
  • “There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them….[Marriage has never meant] a man and his pet, or a man and a whole herd of pets.”These arguments are such huge red herrings, you could cater a whole bar mitzvah with them. The reason you can’t marry your dog, or your preteen daughter or whatever, is that there is a lack of consent involved. Two people—any two people—who consent to the sacraments of marriage should be able to do so. (This, by the way, is also why NAMBLA doesn’t get a pass—boys by definition in our society cannot give consent. Even my gay male friends think NAMBLA is creepy.)
  • He also advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public, saying it was necessary to confine “carriers of this plague.” Apparently Huckabee hasn’t kept up with the news. It is true that throughout the lifespan of the epidemic, the plurality of those infected with HIV have been men who contracted the virus through sex with another man. However, if Maryland is any representative, the largest group now is intravenous drug users:
    (http://dhmh.state.md.us/AIDS/Data&Statistics/NewMDQtrEpi.pdf ) and has been for some time now. When I worked at HERO, eleven years ago, about 80% of its clients had gotten the virus from shooting up. Sadly, one big reason gay men aren’t the largest group of carriers any more is that most of them died before effective treatments were developed.

    As you’ll note from the graph in the PDF document referenced above, drug shooters and good old heteros now far surpass gay men as “carriers of this plague.” If we were to actually do what Huckabee suggests and quarantine carriers of HIV, look whom we’d be quarantining (from http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/surveillance/basic.htm#hivest, about the only time you’ll catch me quoting the government on something):

Transmission Category Estimated # of AIDS Cases, Through 2007*
Adult
and Adolescent Male
Adult
and Adolescent Female
Total
Male-to-male
sexual contact
487,695 487,695
Injection drug use 175,704 80,155 255,859
Male-to-male
sexual contact and injection drug use
71,242 71,242
High-risk heterosexual contact** 63,927 112,230 176,157
Other*** 12,108 6,158 18,266

That’s over a million people, folks. Where, exactly, does he propose quarantining them to?

So in just a few well-placed sound bites, Huckabee manages to piss off a lot of gays, many of whom are Republican; nearly a million HIV-positive voters; as well as a lot of us gay-friendly types who just want to see our friends/parents/siblings/children/coworkers treated fairly. Oh, well—guess he’s not interested in our votes. And without the votes of open-minded, fair, tolerant adults, he’s got no chance to be President.

Tall, dark, and handsome. That’s the cliché. All us women are supposed to want that Cary Grant type, or if you’re under 40 that George Clooney type, to walk in and sweep us off our feet.

Being Jewish, it drove my mother nuts that I eschewed this archetype and gravitated instead toward the tall, blond, and handsome. But what can I tell you: de gustibus non disputandum est. Or if you prefer French, chacun á son gôut.

A couple of years ago on Makeup Alley (http://www.makeupalley.com), someone inquired if there are any gorgeous blond guys out there in celebrityland. Not sure why she asked; I’m not going to assume she also was taken in by the TDH meme. Maybe she had a bar bet with someone else. A bunch of us came up with a pretty decent list. Herewith, some of my yummilicious faves (some of these men also made my Babes Over 50 list):

Viggo Mortensen

Viggo Mortensen with short hair

Troy Aikman

Jeremy Roenick

Craig Kilborn

Reed Diamond

Peter Horton

Ed Harris

Joe Montana

Prince William

Steven Weber

Corbin Bernsen (back when he had a full head of hair, anyway):

Tomas Berdych:

Courtesy of Tomas' web site, tomasberdych.cz

Alexander Skarsgård:

Alexander Skarsgård from an interview with Bizarremag.com

In searching the Web for more candidates meeting these criteria, I came across this blog post, which gets points for its historical framework:
http://futuremd.blogspot.com/2009/02/those-excessively-handsome-blond-men.html

I will be updating this entry periodically.

“Brian Williams?” my coworker asked, clearly perplexed.

“Yes!” I replied.

“Wait. …NBC Brian Williams.”

Yes!” And I probably shouldn’t have said the next thing I did, not to a coworker anyway, but I did: “He is so hot. I wanna fuck him until he can’t walk.”

Ladies, the day is going to come in your lives when you tire of hot young men. For me, that day came when I was 35, and dating a 47-year-old. He was in better shape than men half his age, being the triathlete he was. 6’4″, blond, blue-eyed, huge hands that made me feel like I was really being held. And oh, those kisses.

There is going to come a time in your life when you want a marathoner, not a sprinter, so to speak. You’ll want more from a man than the short-term stamina needed to pound his dick into you at warp speed. When you realize that oiled 6-pack abs don’t make you a better, more intelligent and well-rounded person. When you want a partner who has both the patience and knowledge needed to satisfy you, even though it might take an hour or more, and who doesn’t need a road map to find your clitoris and a page from ehow.com (because he doesn’t own any real books) to tell him when the time is to go after it. The kind of man like the guy in the Just for Men Touch of Gray ad who says, “Now I look like I know what I’m doing…and I can still do it!” Or the Joe Biden lookalike in the Viagra ad. Rowr! These are the men who may or may not actually take Viagra, but if they do, it’s not because they feel they need it to please you. They know very well how to please you without a stiff dick in the vicinity.

Chippendales will bore you. (I just spent a weekend in Vegas and literally yawned at the posters promoting the Chips.) The boy toy who hurries the sex because he needs to undertake the next challenge in World of Warcraft won’t even be on the radar. Orlando Bloom? Colin Farrell? Robert Pattinson? One of these days, you’re going to mutter to yourself, “Yuck.” Or, alternatively, “Shave, for Pete’s sake!”

There has been quite a bit of attention in the media the past few years to attractive women over 40. And may I say, it’s about time. There is even a magazine, More, that celebrates and caters to women 40 and over. For years, it was okay, especially in television and the movies, for a middle-aged or older man to be a little bit gray, even with a few wrinkles. Distinguished. That’s what we said about Cary Grant and Sean Connery when they sprouted a little gray around the temples. But women over 40 were largely invisible, except in minor or evil roles. Certainly not as sex symbols.

Then the pendulum started to swing the other way. Who knows, or cares, when, but it was a good thing. It was okay, liberating even, to ditch the tired old cliché, “A lady never tells her age.” Sharon Stone turned 40. So did Madonna. Candice Bergen turned 60. Lena Horne turned 80, and then 90. Each one of these women, and many more, still hot as cinders. Did the middle-aged men get lost in the shuffle?

Lately, men and boys seem to be taking a beating in certain arenas of life. Maybe that’s the price paid for all those years of a male-dominated culture, but isn’t it time to declare things even-steven?

OK, you’re all thinking, “But, but…George Clooney.” Well, duh. That’s a no-brainer. Time magazine called him “The Last Movie Star” last year (http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1714996,00.html). That was in response to a book, George Clooney: The Last Great Movie Star (http://www.amazon.com/George-Clooney-Last-Great-Movie/dp/155783721X). Yes, at age 48 he’s more drop-dead gorgeous than ever, and he seems like a nice bloke. I wouldn’t mind having him for a friend, but I’m probably one of, like, ten women in America that doesn’t want to sleep with him. We’d probably get into too many post-coital political arguments.

George isn’t the only drop-dead gorgeous man over 40 in the movies, television, or sports. Actually, you could could name a bunch of guys in their 40’s who still make your heart race: Keanu Reeves (turning 45 next week, and still not a line on his face), the ubiquitous Brad Pitt (turning 46 in December; I am sorry but I’ve always thought he was pretty skanky ever since Thelma and Louise), Antonio Banderas (just turned 49 this month), Timothy Hutton (turned 49 this month; actually, I liked his father better),  and the also-ubiquitous Tom Cruise (turned 47 last month). Hell, at my house even Cal Ripken (turned 49 Monday) still makes my heart go pitter-pat after all these years, even though he seems to be gaining weight. All of those, and probably more I’m leaving out, are no-brainers.

I’m going to jack up the bar and give a shoutout to men 50 and over that I can’t take my eyes off of. This is my list. Not yours, not the mainstream media’s.  Not the obvious list. So don’t comment, “you forgot so-and-so,” or “what about so-and-so?”  Blogs are free. You want to put Tommy Lee Jones or David Duchovny on your list, get your own blog.

OK, so we know about Brian Williams (age 51):

One babalicious news anchor!

One babalicious news anchor!

Come on—how can you look at that fresh, boyish face and not melt?

And further, in the category “Babalicious news anchors over 50 who work for NBC,” Keith Olbermann (age 51):

NBC scores yet again!

NBC scores yet again!

Like Clooney, Olbermann loses a tenth of a point with me for his liberal politics. But he gains it back for being willing to skewer the Radical Right, any neocon in fact, the Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter worshipers, and the Bush regime administration supporters. Regardless of what you think of President Obama’s policies, you should give Olbermann big, big props for making Orly Taitz his “Worst Person in the World” for July 15. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036677/#31931011

Olbermann also gets a point from me by echoing The Huntley-Brinkley Report and opening Countdown with the third movement of Beethoven’s 9th. I suspect our household was in the minority in the ’60’s for TV news, as we were definitely Huntley-Brinkley people, whereas most Americans seemed to be Cronkite watchers. Chet Huntley looked like my grandfather. It didn’t occur to me until many years later that my father, a classical music fan, watched NBC not because the anchor looked like his father but because he liked the out music. Anyway, that third movement is nostalgic for me, and apparently it is for Olbermann also.

Pierce Brosnan—OK, everyone agrees on this one (age 56):

I am sorry but I liked him as Bond better than Connery.

I am sorry but I liked him better as Bond than Connery.

Yes, I like men with dark hair and blue eyes. I have a bunch of them on my All-Babe MLB team—Cal Ripken, Paul Molitor, Brady Anderson, Mike Boddicker…you get the idea.
Pierce, if you’re out there, ditch the beard, or at least put some  Just for Men on it. White facial hair doesn’t do anything for you.

Ed Harris (age 59):

Harris gets a special shoutout for looking like my current beau. When I first told Michael I thought he looked like Ed Harris, his laser-blue eyes got wide as saucers and his mouth dropped open. Apparently someone else totally random had remarked the same thing earlier that week.

Cris Collinsworth (age 51):

Much better than John Madden, thank you

Much better than John Madden, thank you

You’re going to be seeing a lot of Collinsworth this fall, as he is replacing John Madden on Sunday Night Football on NBC. On The Dan Patrick Show yesterday, Collinsworth admitted a bit of trepidation at replacing a football legend. I admit I am not going to be listening to a word he says. I won’t be able to take my eyes off the screen.

Bob Costas (age 58):

Proud Syracuse University alum

Proud Syracuse University alum

What is it about NBC? They always seem to score the babes. That includes Clooney. Costas is beginning to look his age a bit, and losing his boyish glow, but he’s still adorable. It kills me that he was just down the road from me, literally, on US Route 11 in Syracuse all those years and I didn’t know it. Of course, I was under 18 so that might have put the kibosh on things a bit.

Viggo Mortensen (age 51):

Another one so close, yet so far!

So close and yet so far

This one also kills me. Mortensen was also, literally, right up the road, although in this case the road was I-81, and he was an hour away attending high school in Watertown at the exact same time I was attending high school in North Syracuse. Exact same years. We could have been classmates. I think I like the clean-cut, 28 Days Mortensen better than the three-day-stubble, Lord of the Rings Mortensen. And if you were wondering, yes, I am watching Appaloosa on HBO, in order to get my blond babe double shot of Mortensen co-starring with Harris. Yum yum!

Kyle Secor (age 52):

NBC shoots and scores AGAIN!

NBC scores yet AGAIN!

Those of us in Baltimore who followed Homicide: Life on the Street collectively drooled over this tall drink of water whose character started as a fresh-faced cop from a cushy assignment on the mayor’s security detail and ended up a more cynical but very astute homicide cop, a multi-layered personality who gradually revealed to us demons from a dark side that included a childhood of sexual abuse at the hands of a relative, and an inability to pinpoint his sexual orientation. The character Tim Bayliss was tormented by the one unsolved murder for which he was the primary investigator. The lines on his face didn’t show up, though, until he was cast as the President’s husband on Commander-in-Chief. If all you know of Secor is old St. Elsewhere reruns, a minor role in City Slickers, or an ep or two of Philly, do yourself a favor and rent a DVD of H:LOTS. Any season will do. I guarantee you you will be staring at the screen and wondering: How can one man be so gorgeous?

Robert Schimmel (age 60):
Funniest man in standup right now

Funniest man in standup right now

No, this is not a sorbet to cleanse the palate. I told you this was my list. In 1988, Schimmel was one of a handful of young, up-and-coming comedians who got some exposure on a Rodney Dangerfield special on HBO. Dangerfield was great that way. If you go back to some of those specials in that 1988-1990 timeframe, you’ll see Seinfeld, Foxworthy, and a bunch of other household names when they were just starting out. As a youngish, just-losing-his-hair comic with a disheveled suit and loose tie, Schimmel didn’t make you think, “OMG, he is so hot.” Now, having lost the hair as well as the wrinkles in his suit, Schimmel is living proof that bald guys can be elegant. …Until he opens his mouth. Then it’s no holds barred. Nothing seems to bother this guy. Nothing. Especially not after a heart attack,  an ongoing bout with cancer, or losing a child to cancer. You get the feeling he’d do anything to please a woman in bed, or as Dan Savage says in his column, GGG (that’s good, giving, and game).  How many 20-year-olds are willing to do the same? ( For a sample, start here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux6iCDk1IgQ, warning: this video clip is vintage Schimmel, which means it’s raw, don’t say you weren’t warned)

Dr. Drew Pinsky (age 51):

And he can sing, too!

I had a hard time finding a non-recent pic of Dr. Drew from the Loveline days. That goofy Julius Caesar haircut doesn’t do anything for him. Then again, that haircut doesn’t do anything for most guys.

I will be updating this list periodically. Also, check out this related post on hot blonds: https://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/updating-the-meme-or-in-praise-of-blond-guys/

Lately, I’ve been reminiscing about intelligent small-government conservatives. They do seem to be a disappearing breed. Many years ago, I was deeply in love with one. Guess I still am. Voices like his are being drowned out by the religious wingnuts, the Christofascists, and lately, the conspiracy nutjobs who seem to represent the Republican party.

Sometimes I think to myself, “William F. Buckley must be rolling in his grave right about now.” It took a little poking around on the web to remind me that Buckley wasn’t always that civil. Those of us of a certain age, ahem, might remember when Buckley almost came to blows with Gore Vidal during the 1968 Democratic National Convention: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gore_Vidal#Vidal_vs._Buckley

I admit, being a few days short of ten at the time, can’t say I remember all that much about the event.

Whatever you may think of these two men and their political views, it appears Vidal has the last laugh at age 83. Buckley is pushing up daisies, while Bill Maher says, “You know those Dos Equis commercials featuring the Most Interesting Man in the World? Well, this is the most interesting man in the world.”

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/episode/2009_04_10_ep149.html

McNair Update

July 7, 2009

I find myself going over the newly revealed circumstances of the McNair shooting the way some people obsessed over the angles of the JFK assassination. As of right now, the insinuation is that the paramour bought the gun and used it to kill him and herself.

Ballistic tests will prove one way or the other (like DNA, ballistic tests do not lie), but for her to grease him doesn’t make sense. McNair was Sahel Kazemi’s sugar daddy and meal ticket. Supposedly he was going to divorce his wife and marry her. She got lavish gifts from a very rich, still young man. Why would she want to fuck that up?

On another site I posted that the two most powerful forces in society are money and pussy. This whole event, of course, has aspects of both. I am going to go out on a limb here and predict that an autopsy on Miss Kazemi will reveal an early pregnancy.

Steve McNair

July 5, 2009

A friend and I have a casual game going in which we win $1 off the other person when someone dies on our list of about 85 celebrities each. So I tend to keep track of the deaths of well-known people on an international, a national, and even a local level. The past two weeks have not been good for well-known people. They say these things go in threes. Well, the past ten days have seen it go in sixes—Ed McMahon (okay, old and sick, but he led a good life), Farrah Fawcett (cancer sucks, no two ways about it), Michael Jackson (no comment), Karl Malden (damn! he almost made it to 100. What a big life!), Billy Mays (both Jackson and Mays were within a month of my age), and now Steve McNair. (No, I didn’t forget Fred Travalena, Alexis Arguello, and Jan Rubes; I’m just putting them on Tier B for this discussion.) Of this group, McNair’s death is the one that made me blurt out “Holy shit!” the loudest. Good thing I was at home at the time.

Born on a holiday (2/14/73), died on a holiday, McNair was well-liked and admired by Ravens fans and our community at large. After a string of flubbed quarterback experiments (Stoney Case, anyone?), it was great to see a real QB success in a Ravens uniform. McNair took this team far. It didn’t hurt that a few of his coworkers (Mason, Rolle) came over at the same time he did. The Ravens floundered in the years between their Super Bowl win and McNair’s arrival. I never met him in person, but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and a great role model for his teammates.

What I as a libertarian would hate to see happen, yet I know it will, is for his death to be politicized as a referendum on handgun ownership and gun control.  Tougher gun laws wouldn’t have stopped the shooter from getting hold of a gun.  They never have.