In praise of middle-aged men
August 28, 2009
“Brian Williams?” my coworker asked, clearly perplexed.
“Yes!” I replied.
“Wait. …NBC Brian Williams.”
“Yes!” And I probably shouldn’t have said the next thing I did, not to a coworker anyway, but I did: “He is so hot. I wanna fuck him until he can’t walk.”
Ladies, the day is going to come in your lives when you tire of hot young men. For me, that day came when I was 35, and dating a 47-year-old. He was in better shape than men half his age, being the triathlete he was. 6’4″, blond, blue-eyed, huge hands that made me feel like I was really being held. And oh, those kisses.
There is going to come a time in your life when you want a marathoner, not a sprinter, so to speak. You’ll want more from a man than the short-term stamina needed to pound his dick into you at warp speed. When you realize that oiled 6-pack abs don’t make you a better, more intelligent and well-rounded person. When you want a partner who has both the patience and knowledge needed to satisfy you, even though it might take an hour or more, and who doesn’t need a road map to find your clitoris and a page from ehow.com (because he doesn’t own any real books) to tell him when the time is to go after it. The kind of man like the guy in the Just for Men Touch of Gray ad who says, “Now I look like I know what I’m doing…and I can still do it!” Or the Joe Biden lookalike in the Viagra ad. Rowr! These are the men who may or may not actually take Viagra, but if they do, it’s not because they feel they need it to please you. They know very well how to please you without a stiff dick in the vicinity.
Chippendales will bore you. (I just spent a weekend in Vegas and literally yawned at the posters promoting the Chips.) The boy toy who hurries the sex because he needs to undertake the next challenge in World of Warcraft won’t even be on the radar. Orlando Bloom? Colin Farrell? Robert Pattinson? One of these days, you’re going to mutter to yourself, “Yuck.” Or, alternatively, “Shave, for Pete’s sake!”
There has been quite a bit of attention in the media the past few years to attractive women over 40. And may I say, it’s about time. There is even a magazine, More, that celebrates and caters to women 40 and over. For years, it was okay, especially in television and the movies, for a middle-aged or older man to be a little bit gray, even with a few wrinkles. Distinguished. That’s what we said about Cary Grant and Sean Connery when they sprouted a little gray around the temples. But women over 40 were largely invisible, except in minor or evil roles. Certainly not as sex symbols.
Then the pendulum started to swing the other way. Who knows, or cares, when, but it was a good thing. It was okay, liberating even, to ditch the tired old cliché, “A lady never tells her age.” Sharon Stone turned 40. So did Madonna. Candice Bergen turned 60. Lena Horne turned 80, and then 90. Each one of these women, and many more, still hot as cinders. Did the middle-aged men get lost in the shuffle?
Lately, men and boys seem to be taking a beating in certain arenas of life. Maybe that’s the price paid for all those years of a male-dominated culture, but isn’t it time to declare things even-steven?
OK, you’re all thinking, “But, but…George Clooney.” Well, duh. That’s a no-brainer. Time magazine called him “The Last Movie Star” last year (http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1714996,00.html). That was in response to a book, George Clooney: The Last Great Movie Star (http://www.amazon.com/George-Clooney-Last-Great-Movie/dp/155783721X). Yes, at age 48 he’s more drop-dead gorgeous than ever, and he seems like a nice bloke. I wouldn’t mind having him for a friend, but I’m probably one of, like, ten women in America that doesn’t want to sleep with him. We’d probably get into too many post-coital political arguments.
George isn’t the only drop-dead gorgeous man over 40 in the movies, television, or sports. Actually, you could could name a bunch of guys in their 40’s who still make your heart race: Keanu Reeves (turning 45 next week, and still not a line on his face), the ubiquitous Brad Pitt (turning 46 in December; I am sorry but I’ve always thought he was pretty skanky ever since Thelma and Louise), Antonio Banderas (just turned 49 this month), Timothy Hutton (turned 49 this month; actually, I liked his father better), and the also-ubiquitous Tom Cruise (turned 47 last month). Hell, at my house even Cal Ripken (turned 49 Monday) still makes my heart go pitter-pat after all these years, even though he seems to be gaining weight. All of those, and probably more I’m leaving out, are no-brainers.
I’m going to jack up the bar and give a shoutout to men 50 and over that I can’t take my eyes off of. This is my list. Not yours, not the mainstream media’s. Not the obvious list. So don’t comment, “you forgot so-and-so,” or “what about so-and-so?” Blogs are free. You want to put Tommy Lee Jones or David Duchovny on your list, get your own blog.
OK, so we know about Brian Williams (age 51):
Come on—how can you look at that fresh, boyish face and not melt?
And further, in the category “Babalicious news anchors over 50 who work for NBC,” Keith Olbermann (age 51):
Like Clooney, Olbermann loses a tenth of a point with me for his liberal politics. But he gains it back for being willing to skewer the Radical Right, any neocon in fact, the Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter worshipers, and the Bush regime administration supporters. Regardless of what you think of President Obama’s policies, you should give Olbermann big, big props for making Orly Taitz his “Worst Person in the World” for July 15. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036677/#31931011
Olbermann also gets a point from me by echoing The Huntley-Brinkley Report and opening Countdown with the third movement of Beethoven’s 9th. I suspect our household was in the minority in the ’60’s for TV news, as we were definitely Huntley-Brinkley people, whereas most Americans seemed to be Cronkite watchers. Chet Huntley looked like my grandfather. It didn’t occur to me until many years later that my father, a classical music fan, watched NBC not because the anchor looked like his father but because he liked the out music. Anyway, that third movement is nostalgic for me, and apparently it is for Olbermann also.
Pierce Brosnan—OK, everyone agrees on this one (age 56):
Yes, I like men with dark hair and blue eyes. I have a bunch of them on my All-Babe MLB team—Cal Ripken, Paul Molitor, Brady Anderson, Mike Boddicker…you get the idea.
Pierce, if you’re out there, ditch the beard, or at least put some Just for Men on it. White facial hair doesn’t do anything for you.
Ed Harris (age 59):
Harris gets a special shoutout for looking like my current beau. When I first told Michael I thought he looked like Ed Harris, his laser-blue eyes got wide as saucers and his mouth dropped open. Apparently someone else totally random had remarked the same thing earlier that week.
Cris Collinsworth (age 51):
You’re going to be seeing a lot of Collinsworth this fall, as he is replacing John Madden on Sunday Night Football on NBC. On The Dan Patrick Show yesterday, Collinsworth admitted a bit of trepidation at replacing a football legend. I admit I am not going to be listening to a word he says. I won’t be able to take my eyes off the screen.
Bob Costas (age 58):
What is it about NBC? They always seem to score the babes. That includes Clooney. Costas is beginning to look his age a bit, and losing his boyish glow, but he’s still adorable. It kills me that he was just down the road from me, literally, on US Route 11 in Syracuse all those years and I didn’t know it. Of course, I was under 18 so that might have put the kibosh on things a bit.
Viggo Mortensen (age 51):
This one also kills me. Mortensen was also, literally, right up the road, although in this case the road was I-81, and he was an hour away attending high school in Watertown at the exact same time I was attending high school in North Syracuse. Exact same years. We could have been classmates. I think I like the clean-cut, 28 Days Mortensen better than the three-day-stubble, Lord of the Rings Mortensen. And if you were wondering, yes, I am watching Appaloosa on HBO, in order to get my blond babe double shot of Mortensen co-starring with Harris. Yum yum!
Kyle Secor (age 52):
Those of us in Baltimore who followed Homicide: Life on the Street collectively drooled over this tall drink of water whose character started as a fresh-faced cop from a cushy assignment on the mayor’s security detail and ended up a more cynical but very astute homicide cop, a multi-layered personality who gradually revealed to us demons from a dark side that included a childhood of sexual abuse at the hands of a relative, and an inability to pinpoint his sexual orientation. The character Tim Bayliss was tormented by the one unsolved murder for which he was the primary investigator. The lines on his face didn’t show up, though, until he was cast as the President’s husband on Commander-in-Chief. If all you know of Secor is old St. Elsewhere reruns, a minor role in City Slickers, or an ep or two of Philly, do yourself a favor and rent a DVD of H:LOTS. Any season will do. I guarantee you you will be staring at the screen and wondering: How can one man be so gorgeous?
- Robert Schimmel (age 60):
No, this is not a sorbet to cleanse the palate. I told you this was my list. In 1988, Schimmel was one of a handful of young, up-and-coming comedians who got some exposure on a Rodney Dangerfield special on HBO. Dangerfield was great that way. If you go back to some of those specials in that 1988-1990 timeframe, you’ll see Seinfeld, Foxworthy, and a bunch of other household names when they were just starting out. As a youngish, just-losing-his-hair comic with a disheveled suit and loose tie, Schimmel didn’t make you think, “OMG, he is so hot.” Now, having lost the hair as well as the wrinkles in his suit, Schimmel is living proof that bald guys can be elegant. …Until he opens his mouth. Then it’s no holds barred. Nothing seems to bother this guy. Nothing. Especially not after a heart attack, an ongoing bout with cancer, or losing a child to cancer. You get the feeling he’d do anything to please a woman in bed, or as Dan Savage says in his column, GGG (that’s good, giving, and game). How many 20-year-olds are willing to do the same? ( For a sample, start here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux6iCDk1IgQ, warning: this video clip is vintage Schimmel, which means it’s raw, don’t say you weren’t warned)
Dr. Drew Pinsky (age 51):
I had a hard time finding a non-recent pic of Dr. Drew from the Loveline days. That goofy Julius Caesar haircut doesn’t do anything for him. Then again, that haircut doesn’t do anything for most guys.
I will be updating this list periodically. Also, check out this related post on hot blonds: https://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/updating-the-meme-or-in-praise-of-blond-guys/